I almost put the belt on Tuesday morning as I went to work, but I remembered in time and put on the brown belt I've worn for the last two years. The temperature had gotten unseasonably warm and though I stepped out of the door in my sweatshirt, I immediately pulled it off and tossed it back into the apartment right before I closed the door and locked it. The walk was boring. I almost missed my little visions.
Ridiculous as it was, I felt my insanity made me special. It was like wishing to have a disfigurement to be distinctive. It also felt like it gave me an insight into people. Maybe this was what women who stayed with abusive men were feeling. The men were abusive to, but made them feel special when they weren't, and feeling special has a draw to it. I've felt normal (if I'm honest, I've felt smarter than average, but still basically normal) for the majority of my life. Even when my mother insisted I was special, I knew it was just her saying what any mother would say to her son. If anything about me was special, it was that my parents were only ever married to each other and remain that way.
When I arrived at work and settled in, I was fairly quickly cornered by Kim and Hannah. They had a surprise for me.
“Francis, I have a phone number for you to call. I want you to call it tonight and ask Erin out to dinner and coffee this weekend,” Kim was looking fairly serious, but Hannah had a huge grin on her face.
“Before you leave today, we are going to make sure you know exactly what to say and how to act. We're not going to let you screw this up before you even meet her. Erin has agreed to see you, but if you don't make a good impression on the phone, you're in trouble before you meet her for real,” Hannah started jovially, but ended with a more serious tone to her voice.
“You two seem to be taking this pretty seriously,” I had felt a surge of adrenaline as the told me I was going to call her, and I was already beginning to feel nervous.
“We are not going to let you avoid this. We know you tend to slip out of things that make you feel uncomfortable. So we are going to make you feel comfortable before you call her,” Kim was staring me in the eyes and it was a little unnerving.
“Are you going to tell me anything about her?” nervous as I was, I was also quite interested. A real live date was pretty big news in my world. I don't want to sound like I'm a stereotypical nerd with regards to women, but my dating history has been rather non-existent. That being true, I have spent quite a lot of time with women my age and am generally comfortable around them I know how to treat them, and I don't get monosyllabic around women. It takes some effort, but I can talk to a woman's face, not her chest, though the more cleavage she has, the harder it is, and I can deal with nerve wracking situations, though I may feel like jelly inside.
“We already did,” now Kim had a mischievous smile on her face.
“I'd think I would remember if you did,” I played along since I didn't have much choice.
“Remember our conversation about what kind of girl you would like?” Hannah asked this with a grin as well.
“Yeeess.”
“Well, that's her description.” Hannah explained.
“I see. And how am I going to be prepared?”
“You're going to call us during the day and ask us out,” Hannah nodded as Kim said this.
“But--”
“No. No excuses. I know you find us both irresistable and will be horribly nervous asking us out, but that will just make this a better preparation,” Kim laughed as Hannah needled me. “You will also be the one to decide when to call us. You have to keep alternating between us until we say you are ready. So don't wait too long.”
I knew they weren't going to let me out of this, so I nodded and excused myself to prepare. I figured I'd call Hannah first, because I was much more comfortable with the idea of asking her out than Kim who was married with kids. (I was probably also feeling guilty about finding her hot.) I waited an hour, not really getting anything done before I made the phone call.
“Hello, this is Hannah.”
“Hannah, this is Francis. I was . . . uh . . . are you free this Friday?”
“I'm not sure, what's up?”
“Um . . . I was wondering if you might be interested in going to dinner with me?” my heart was racing far faster than I thought it should be, and I was really nervous even though this was a stupid exercise.
“Are you asking me out Francis?”
“If you are okay with that. I mean, you can say no,” I was calming down a little, but when those words escaped my mouth, I knew they were stupid and smacked myself on the forehead. “Let me rephrase that. I would be very happy if you would go out with me this Friday.”
“Where are we going?”
“Is that a yes?”
“Maybe . . . but I need to know where we are going.”
I wasn't prepared for this question. I immediately ran through my list of known restaurants. Most of them were loud chains. I stammered for a moment, then chickened out, “Where would you like to go?”
“I have no idea. I'm so surprised and taken aback by your sudden call that I can't think straight. If you gave me some options, I might be able to comment on them.”
I couldn't seem to remember any restaurants, but I knew that I had to go for a nicer restaurant, but all the ones I could even vaguely remember were too expensive for a first date. “Uh . . . I didn't think far enough ahead for this call did I?” I dropped out of character and hoped she would let me off. Fortunately she did.
“No you didn't, but you didn't do terribly. You should have a couple of restaurant options ready and I can give you some good ideas.”
“I would appreciate that.” For the next ten minutes I got a little coaching. Things I'd done well, things I done poorly and so an hour later, I made a much more compelling call to Kim. She play acted the whole thing too well, so by the time I was done it was actually creepy. I had to remind myself that she was a married mother of two and is in no way interested in me. Even then I felt a part of me saying “maybe she really is. Did you ever think of that?” but an even stronger part of me rejected this out of hand and said “No woman will ever really be interested in you,” and I saw the truth in that and let it go.
No day at work I can remember has gone faster or slower than that day. Kim and Hannah made me call them twice more each, which did make things move a little faster, but Kim continued to creep me out a bit as she acted as though she genuinely wanted to go out with me. I kind of wished Hannah was more convincing, but alas I could always tell she was play acting. But those distractions were few and far between as I both dreaded and dreamed of calling Erin that evening.
When I got home however, all desire to make the phone call left. I had about an hour before Erin, whoever she was, would get home, and I could give her a call. But now it was so close that the dread was starting to overwhelm me. I began to think about how foolish it was for me to even consider that a girl may be interested in me. No girl will want me. I'm too ugly and nerdy and goofy for any sane, attractive girl to be interested in me. I must be insane to think a girl would want me for anything other than a guy she can be safe around. In college I used to be the guy that drove all the drunk girls home from the parties, and it wasn't just because I didn't drink much and was sober enough to drive. A girl once entrusted her drunk younger sister to my care because she knew I was “safe”. Don't get me wrong. It's a good thing to be trusted by women. I do really believe that, but I wish I wasn't always the “safe” guy. I'd rather be good, but not safe. And definitely not nice.
I was supposed to call at 6:30, and I sat around not doing much, waiting and dreading the call until about 6:20, at which point I forgot what I was waiting for and got distracted until almost 7:15. At 7:19 (I have a thing against calling at even numbered minutes on my clock. Even though my clock almost never coincides with the clock of the person I am calling. I had decided that since I knew the conclusion already, I would just not get too worried. This was easier said than done, as my body conspired against.
My palms were already sweating when I picked up the phone and I noticed that my breath was a little ragged as I dialed. Before it started to ring, I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself. In the end I had to sit down, because my legs were trembling when I stood. The phone only rang twice before it was picked up.
“Hello, this is Francis, may I speak to Erin?”
“This is Erin.”
“As you know, I got your phone number through a mutual friend, and I was wondering if you would do me the honor of joining me for dinner at The Macaroni Grill on Friday?” both Kim and Hannah had said that normally the “honor of” comment would sound corny, but I somehow managed to make it sound good and they weren't going to mess with that. “I don't know what time you are available, but if you are available around 7:00, it would give us time to do something afterwards if the mood so strikes us,” Apparently making a time suggestion was good practice, it showed that I was “prepared” for the phone call.
“Wow, you really prepped for this call didn't you?” it was not the response I was expecting.
“Well, Hannah and Kim insisted and made me practice on them today,” I figured honesty was the way to go here, “but I could just be really confident and perpared.”
She laughed, “That sounds like Hannah, but we'll pretend you're just confident, because it sounds much better,” I liked the fact that she would play along and started to loosen up a little.
“So would you feel more comfortable meeting there at 7:00 or should I pick you up at 6:30?”
“While it is true that if I let you drive, I'm at your mercy for a ride home if things go badly, I think I prefer that to waiting somewhere trying to identify my would be date from the crowd. You can pick me up at my place. What will you be driving?”
“The sexiest vehicle on the face of the planet,” I was feeling good and confident after only a few minutes on the phone with Erin. This was a good sign.
“Your parent's old Mini-van?”
“I prefer to call it...well, I don't call it much of anything, I barely drive it to be honest. But in any case, you are totally correct. I can't keep the soccer mom's away.”
“I'll bet. Pick me up at my place at 6:30, and expect me to be waiting at 6:30, not still getting ready. I think I'm actually looking forward to this,” she sounded fairly surprised by this, but also positive. She gave me her address and I found it on Google Maps, made sure the directions were correct and we said goodbye.
Hmm, life seemed to be looking up and I had something to do on Friday night that wasn't sit at home and watch Sci-Fi channel reruns.